Jeremy Clarkson is the presenter of Top Gear. He writes for The Sun, The Sunday Times, and Top Gear Magazine.

Sorry, Hans, brassy Brits rule the beaches now

When package holidays began, all of a sudden we couldexperience life at close quarters with people from othernations. We thought the Germans were the most ridiculouspeople on the beach.As Monty Python pointed out years ago, they pinchedthe sun beds and barged into the queues and frightenedthe children. And if you weren’t at the buffet spot-onseven, Fritz had wolfed all the sausages.But with the advent of the Boeing  747 came the longhaulholiday and we realised that the Germans werecountry mice compared with the Americans. No shortswere too large, no thong was too small.What’s more, Hank does not like to sit on the beachand read a book. He likes to shout and play volleyball.When the Yanks are around, it’s like being on holiday ina primary school playground.For years the Americans were in a class of their own,but then the Berlin Wall fell down and, as a result, fromthe Indian Ocean through the Middle East and the Mediterraneanto the Caribbean, Boris and Katya were makingall the running.In many ways the Russians are like the Americans.They’re either far too fat or far too beautiful. There’s nomiddle ground. And again, like Uncle Sam, no part ofthe body is immune from man-made enhancement. TheAmericans go for surf-white teeth; the Russians for alarmingspecial forces tattoos. And neither seems to see anythingwrong with breast enlargement. I saw one Russianwoman on the beach in Barbados the other day who hadthe body of a walnut and a chest that put Antigua in theshade.However, where the Russians move into an easy leadis beach attire. For the men it’s the traditional Speedo,while the women seem to get their fashion pointers frominternet porn sites. I haven’t yet seen anyone struttingdown the beach in stockings and suspenders but it’s onlya matter of time.Today, though, a new contender has come along andblown the old favourites into the seaweed. The title ofMost Stupid People on the Beach has gone in  2004 . . .to Britain.We were designed to make Spitfires and Beagles. We’resupposed to be in a shed, in gloves, inventing stuff. Wetherefore do not look good on a beach. We’re piggywhite and if you expose us to the sun, we turn intoBattenburg cake.We’re designed for bracing walks along the front inScarborough and wet camping holidays in Scotland. Butour newly discovered wealth means we can now go tothe tropics. Because it’s new money, we really have noidea what to do with it.